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  • Writer's pictureTINA GRAY

RTT Therapy: From Pain to Love Through Manifestation

Updated: Jan 11

Moving on from domestic and narcissistic abuse is as disorientating as waking up in an unknown city with no memory or clues of how you got there. Psychological abuse, which often involves extensive gaslighting that leaves you out of touch with your intuition, can leave survivors out of touch with everything they have ever known.

Self-worth is erased through a series of humiliating, demoralising escapades, all used in a grand design to hold greater powers of manipulation.

Escaping the perpetrator is just one step many survivors will need to make to regain confidence and belief they are worthy of healthy relationships with themselves and everyone else they encounter.

After abusive relationships, many abstain from anything other than superficial connection or live their lives epitomised by a series of acts made in fear, obligation in guilt. However, by practising self-love on the road from surviving to thriving, survivors can rekindle hope for fulfilling, supportive relationships founded on mutual respect, love and dedication.

My Story

Before meeting my partner, I wasn’t always lucky in love. For seven years, I was a victim of domestic violence after attracting the wrong man into my life. I’m a strong woman (all domestic violence victims are, they must be to survive it), but that didn’t leave me insusceptible to physical and mental abuse that shattered my self-confidence.

The physical abuse and bruises that decorated me from the neck down didn’t compare to the emotional abuse, which alienated me from my identity and came at a detriment to my health as my hair fell out from stress and boils blistered across my back.

At 25, I escaped the relationship; the emotional scars lingered long after I left. I sunk into a cycle of self-sabotage. Late nights of drinking and drugs became my survival mechanism as I surrounded myself with people I didn’t need to connect with on a deeper level to avoid what I saw as the inevitable pain of getting hurt again. I managed to hold down a job in the city; on the outside, nobody knew the dangerous situations I was putting myself in or how my life was spiralling out of control.

One day, I met a guy through work. His kindness and gentleness convinced me to leave the life I had created for a brighter one in Australia with him, where we could both escape our demons. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one; I knew I wasn’t ready to be loved; how could he love me if I didn’t even love myself?

The monumental wall of protection I had constructed around myself was impenetrable. After he became my husband and gave me two beautiful children and a deeper understanding of myself, even he couldn’t see me. Only after our marriage failed, while raising my children, I finally started to heal. I couldn’t go back to my old destructive ways; I had to create my future by being crystal clear about what it entailed

I tapped into my spiritual side, focusing on what I wanted instead of what I didn’t. My entire belief system was questioned, starting with the beliefs I thought were true of myself.

"All men hurt you

Love is scary

Love is painful

When you let people in, they let you down

I’m not worthy of love

I don’t deserve love

When men really get to know me,

they will see I’m not good enough

I’m damaged"

How I Became Clear in Love

I got clear about love – self-love!

I made a list of essential traits in my future partner; funny, honest, and kind, before the list expanded into the intricate detail of what I wanted. The relationship I wanted him to have with my kids and how we would be a power couple in social settings. The intimate detail of lovemaking.

In the process that was tied up in reverence for self-love, I revealed what I truly wanted and deserved, simultaneously altering my mind so I could receive the person who reflected what I deserved back to me as a sign.

What Does Love Mean to You?

To manifest your ideal partner, you must be crystal-clear on what you want and how you want to feel, be seen and be treated in a relationship. This can only come through understanding what love and relationships mean to you – everyone is different.

What you say to yourself daily matters, as does your relationship with gratitude. Every day, list what you are grateful for, including the acts of love you have received and appreciate them for what they are. Equally, consider the acts of kindness you can extend towards your neighbours, colleagues, friends, and family; this will allow you to recognise what love is.

Sometimes, we can absorb ourselves in self-pity so deeply we become insular and shut away from the world. Practising acts of love and kindness allows you to be open to receiving love. Think about how it feels to give to people who appreciate it. When people seem ungrateful, recognise why they are not open to receiving it.

What is Your Love Language?

As everyone’s ideal partner or relationship is individual, so are love languages. For some, those three words are enough; thoughtful compliments work for others, while some prefer quality time spent together, gifts, physical affection, or acts of service. Be specific about what you need.

Desired relationship outcomes are just as crucial to affirm. Want a till death do us part relationship? Ask for that. Want to travel? Ask for an adventurous spirit. But it cannot all be one-sided.

Think about what kind of lover you want to be when your ideal partner shows up. Pouring into each other in a balanced way is as important as considering and receiving what you deserve. When building your perfect relationship, use your imagination, go deep, and be specific. You can also enlist the help of a trusted friend to add to the list or ensure you haven’t missed anything!

The best part of this manifesting process is that you can have fun with it! Trust what you deserve will find its way to you.

Self-Love After Narcissistic Abuse

1. Idealise Yourself

Narcissists use love bombs at the start of relationships to reel you into a picture-perfect romance that often distorts when it feels too late to back away. Yet, love bombs don’t always need to be in the arsenal of narcissists! Find ways of spoiling yourself through thoughtful gestures to yourself, plan to make unforgettable memories, and find what you love about yourself to use their sharpest tool, flattery!

2. Create a Community Around Your Recovery

The brain fog that follows abuse can leave the past, present, and future blurry. Use support networks as fog lights by sharing your trauma in therapy and support networks. Connecting with other survivors will provide insight, validation, and the ability to write your own story.

3. Expect Ups and Downs

Every day away from an abuser is progress. Do not be disheartened if one day you are on the moon and the next you feel like you are in the pits; this is healthy; take the bad days in your stride just as much as the good.

4. Realise that Mourning is Natural

Many people are often confused when they see a domestic abuse survivor mourning the end of the relationship. They do not understand the dopamine highs that attach themselves to the trauma bonds and the rollercoaster nature of the relationship. It is not your job to make them understand. It is your job to heal while mourning the loss and finding ways to process that grief healthily.

5. Regain Your Intuition

If you have noticed that you struggle to trust yourself on even the smallest decisions, that is a clear sign you need to get back in touch with your gut instincts and regain the trust you once had for it. It will redevelop in time, and going forward, if something feels off, know that you do not need definitive proof to wave the red flag on people or situations!

6. Fill Your Journal

Journaling your feelings in the morning and listing what you are grateful for and what you did well during the day is a great way to relearn yourself and increase your awareness and cognitive processing after gaslighting. It can also help to reclarify your self-image and lessen the need for external validation, which may come from nefarious places. Your journal is also the ideal place to set authentic goals and dreams for the future.

7. Build a Sustainable Self-Care Routine

After an abusive relationship, many survivors can feel guilty when spending time on self-care. That little voice in your head can question you every time you spend money on yourself or treat yourself. In time, your self-care routine will start to feel like a natural and vital part of the day. This may be the last point on the list, but it is one of the most crucial; it is how we take our power back.

If you are struggling to define your love language or diving into the part of you that holds the key to self-love, try my free hypnotherapy self-love, which will guide you with positive affirmations and show you a new way of speaking to yourself.

Booking a hypnotherapy session with a Rapid Transformational Therapist can also help dig through the trenches of your subconscious mind to uncover the roots of negative thoughts and feelings in a safe and caring space.

Book a free 20-minute consultation with Tina today.

Download my free RTT Self-Love Audio

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